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rsteen918

Long time, no see!

Hey guys!


When I started this blog, I thought it would be an easy thing to do. I’m a writer, I love writing. What could be so hard about sharing my story? A LOT. I have discovered that putting yourself out there and being completely vulnerable is an incredibly difficult thing to do. This is what I am going to attempt to do from here on out, like I said last time, and I also pledge to you that I will post more consistently.

In my mind, I am always writing. Something happens and I’m immediately writing that event in my mind, explaining it, composing an essay about it. My inner dialogue is in the form of a diary, if you will. I then forget to write it down, and by the time I finally sit at the computer, my eloquent composition is lost to me. So I will do my best to convey the happenings of the past few months and my emotions that came with each event.

I have much to catch you up on, so let’s jump right in.

I am in remission! I got to hear that glorious word a few months back, and it was everything I thought that moment would be! I had my dad there with me, and we hugged and cried and celebrated with my oncologist. It was easily a top 10 moment of my life!

Something I have learned is that, even with being in remission, the fight and struggle go on. That’s by no means the end of my journey. My journey truly is just beginning.

After hearing that I was in remission, it was time to focus on healing so I could get started with my reconstruction. Then I got some of the best news ever, my dad was moving back to town! He sold his place on the Mississippi coast and bought a house about 5 minutes from mine. I was overjoyed!

After my dad settled in, I got thrown another curveball and was let go from my job. I had gone back to work pretty quickly after my surgery, 2 weeks after, and so for 10 months I was working 45 hour weeks. This was incredibly defeating, and scary, to suddenly have no job. I am in the middle of my medical treatment, and now I have lost my insurance and my income. My dad calmed me, reminded me to pray and have faith, and helped me in every possible way. We started looking into unemployment, disability, COBRA, etc., ANYTHING that could possibly help me.

And then, on August 10th, one year exactly from when I had my tumor removed, I found my dad at his house, still, in his chair, reclined back with his glasses on his forehead and the remote on his chest. He had gone home to be with the Lord and my mom. I don’t know how to explain how I felt then or how I’m feeling now. I feel an emptiness and a fear that I didn’t have when he was here. He always knew just what I needed. God used him to help and comfort me, and I lost my person that day. My heart is broken, and I am so scared to be doing this without him. He was my rock. He was able to be with me throughout this battle, and he wanted so badly for me to feel whole again. I am brokenhearted that he will not be here to see that happen. I keep going to call him and have to remind myself that he’s gone. Now, my family and friends have stepped up and are spectacular, truly! But it was different with my dad. He’d been by my mom’s side and knew, as best as someone who doesn’t have cancer can, how I was feeling and what I was going through. At his funeral I relayed a story that happened on that day. I was sitting there, with the police and coroners around me, my sister and a friend there as well, and on the table was a notebook. On the page it was open to was a list.

Things to do for Rachel:

  1. Let her cry.

  2. Call about COBRA and insurance.

  3. I don’t remember what 3 was but there were 3 things on the list!

Upon reading this I burst into (more) tears. My dad understood. He understood that I was tired and feeling beat up, mentally and physically, and knew that I was more than capable and a fighter, but that even fighters need rest.

I still cry everyday, feeling that loss deep inside. But I do also thank God for the time we had with him. I hate being sick, and obviously wish I had never gotten cancer. But this past year, he came to stay with me for over a month when I got home from my surgery. He came to EVERY SINGLE appointment, no matter where and when it was, he came, oftentimes driving from Mississippi to Lafayette to pick me up and then going to my appointment in Baton Rouge. We started developing our routine. Always a coffee stop on the way there and/or back. Always a stop at Arby’s because they had soft food I could eat. And always listening to the 40’s station on the radio. It was crazy that we both got into it, we weren’t huge fans beforehand. But we tried it one day and it stuck, we LOVED it! And on top of all of that, he moved here in April and those last 4 months with him were some of the best of my life, I will cherish them for as long as I am blessed to be here on Earth!

While this was happening, we have been fighting with insurance. My surgeon liked the way my mouth had healed and said it was time to schedule my surgery. Not so fast, said insurance! We had to fight to get my COBRA coverage active. COBRA is no joke, it’s expensive, but me not having insurance isn’t an option, so my dad and uncle (who is a lawyer) stepped in and got my previous employer to get me the information I needed to get to COBRA so my policy would be active again. Once we did that we thought, great, this is going to be cleared up and we will be able to schedule my surgery. Nope. Someone, and I don’t know if it’s COBRA or BlueCross BlueShield, but someone made a mistake and didn’t have me as active yet. They still don’t actually, and I’ve made numerous calls to get it worked out and we have paid for 4 months of coverage and it’s gone nowhere. To call this frustrating is an understatement. With my dad gone, my sister, brother, and sister in law stepped in and were like, this is happening, we’re figuring this out! On top of that, my surgeon let me know to be prepared for a battle to get my reconstruction approved, because the insurance companies consider this “cosmetic” and “elective.” I know what I would like to say to them, but my parents raised me better than that and I am representing God, myself, and my family, so I will not go there. But it is difficult to not feel like I’m alone at the bottom of an empty well, screaming for help and many people see me, yet they do not stop to help me. I believe I said it before in a post, but cancer is the great isolator. It wants you to feel alone. And the devil trounces on you as soon as those feelings start to come up. I have days that I cannot get out of bed because the feelings of anxiety and despair manifest themselves physically, and I have to cry out to God to give me strength.

And He does. I have gotten to where I am today completely in the arms of God. The last year and a half, and especially these last few weeks, I have made it through because He has not forsaken me. He has reminded me DAILY that my strength and hope come from Him, and that, although this is hard now, He will get me through this and I WILL see better days.

My anxiety about the cost of the surgery, if insurance will not cover it, is off the charts. I have been waiting for so long to get the okay to have it, and now to be waiting for them to hopefully approve it, is crazy to me. I do not understand how anyone could say that this is elective or cosmetic. I have trouble eating, sleeping, and speaking. My confidence is down, and all I want to do is laugh and smile and feel like myself again. The cost of the surgery is astronomical, and so I NEED insurance to get it together and approve it, otherwise, I’m not sure what my options are. I do not want to think about that too much. I can also really get pretty dark if I let myself, so I pray and breathe deeply and remind myself to trust in Him.

My family has done such an amazing job stepping in to help. I am so blessed to have them. The void I feel without my dad is made brighter by my son and brother and sister and sister in law and aunts and uncles and nieces and nephews and cousins… You get the picture! I wanted to write them all out there though as a reminder to myself how truly blessed I am still. My parents exuded God’s love and faithfulness, and it shows in the family they built. God knew my mom would need them, God knew I would need them. How awesome is that?! I also have friends that are like family to me and have not left my side since day 1. I don’t know how I will ever be able to thank them for helping me get through tough days, but I know I’ll keep trying!

I had an appointment with my oncologist Tuesday and one of the first things they asked was where my dad was; see, we were the dynamic duo, taking on cancer together! That was tough, but they were so kind. Your doctors and specialists become a major part of your life when you’re battling cancer, and I am so blessed that I found an awesome medical team that, not only are they rockstars in their professions, they are kind and loving, truly special people.

Unfortunately, I have another lump in my mouth. She is cautiously optimistic that it’s a cyst, but she wants me to have my surgeon look at it and wants me to get another MRI to be sure. I have to be honest with y’all, I have had trouble over the last 48 hours not letting crippling fear get to me. All I keep thinking is, the last time they thought it was a cyst it turned out to be Stage 3 cancer. So, if all my prayer warriors out there would pray that that’s all it is, a cyst that they can remove, and that everything with insurance will work out so I won’t have to figure out a way to pay for this on my own, I would be extremely grateful! I am so ready to get this reconstruction so I can smile up at heaven and hope that God lets my mom and dad have a quick glimpse at me and share in my joy, even if just for a moment!

On the 19th I will be going to my surgeon, I will keep you guys posted with how that goes! For anyone who is curious, I was going to be getting zygomatic implants, but now I believe they are doing a newer type on me (so new I cannot remember the name or find where I wrote it down… I promise to tell y’all next time!), and they will be putting an obturator in to close the hole in my palate and sinus cavity. I’m praying that insurance has approved everything by then so we can schedule my first surgery, I am beyond ready!

I’ll be back soon to chat and fill you in on more details, but for now, I hope you have an awesome weekend and for those of you that are fighting this battle or something similar, don’t give up!

God bless!



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3 comentários


Victoria Castellon
Victoria Castellon
08 de set. de 2023

Oh, Rachel, I didn’t know that you actually were the one that found your dad. And I’m so glad that y’all got that time together. He was an incredible man, and I am grateful to have known him. And you couldn’t be more right that your parents devotion to God created a family that is loving and “exudes faithfulness. And the list you found, brought tears to my eyes. Thank you so much for this post and this blog and I love you and will definitely be sending prayers your way

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pauladunningwalker
08 de set. de 2023

You have poured out your heart. Your writing truly conveys the emotion of your great big, tender heart so beautifully. Your courage gives us strength. Keep fighting and keep writing. Keep us updated so we know how to pray and thank you for being who you are out loud.

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rsteen918
08 de set. de 2023
Respondendo a

Thank you for being such a great role model to me and such an important part of our lives! I'm so glad you liked it, that means a lot to me, and I will continue to fight and write, you can count on it! Keep the prayers coming!

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